It makes him angry when I say it, and I shouldn't say it or think it, but sometimes I really wish they had...because now...now I don't know what to do. And there is no one who understands, not even myself. Or maybe I do...maybe there is.

There is one who may have understood were he alive to talk with. Though I still go talk to him through the trees and the stars and the sea.

Maybe I just need a change of scenery. Or a lot of sleep, like I'm told. Maybe that's all.

The lies that become truths are the darkest, most painful of all lies.

The world is a devastating place. Need to protect our emotions if we are to prevent them from devastating us.

It was cold and dusty when I woke. I remember looking around and whispering to myself “didn’t take me too far this time” and distinctly hearing that voice reply “It was not needed…this time” and then nothing. I heard Pallas speaking to me, but his words were becoming distant then faded and all was quiet for who knows how long. But then I recognized his gentle voice, even though it sounded so far away, and I could hear his comforting words in the darkness I was within. I could feel myself being moved; lifted and carried along, though I was not aware of any of it on a normal level but a much less tapped level of subconscious, somewhere very deep inside. I wanted to lift my head and wrap an arm around his neck, but I couldn’t. I was too far gone at the time. Every part of me felt held back in some way; fuzzy, numb and limp. I wasn’t just tired from endless roaming and fighting and insomnia, it was something more. Maybe the tonic was too strong, the endless struggle inside. I don’t know. And the tonics needs more testing, finessing, but my notes become scattered as my mind frays. I don’t know what is – will ever be -- enough to make that voice go away. The voice that started with the bandit encounter after Wolf, though I know it was not what he wanted, abandoned me.

I don’t know what is happening but I feel lost and confused. Somewhere between dream and reality -- or perhaps in both places at once. It is a strange place where nothing makes any sense and I can’t trust myself, not in spirit or in mind. This shadow inside, I don’t know who she is or what she wants or perhaps I do more then I care to admit. I’m not stupid, and I certainly don’t trust her, yet I can’t seem to control her waking or her words. As I said, she came to me after the abandoning and after the bandits hurt me. At first she seemed to say I told you so, but in time I am realizing that she wants to protect me. She seek revenge and she seems to see certain events in my life completely opposite from how I do. I honestly don’t know if I am cracking, or what. In whispers that sound of many, she tells me Pallas will leave me and I am wasting my time. She tells me he is a liar, and that those men are alive. She says that Father and Myoakka, the bandits – and all other evil, horrible things that I thought to be dead and gone are not gone. She tells me they can’t protect me but she can. The Wolf couldn’t...and Pallas will not, try as he might. That only she can and she will not allow me to be harmed again. That with her I can never truly be abandoned. That with her I will survive, even if she has to run me face first into a wall and knock me out to keep me from hurting myself worse. But she is lying to me, isn’t she? I can protect myself, and when I can not, Pallas has not failed me. The Father I knew is dead, even if a shadow of him exists and lurks within this new darkness that besets Valorn. Something I believe that Pallas refuses to believe. But I heard him speak to me when the darkness first fell across the lands, and since. Especially at the skull. I've seen and heard the skull speak in fathers voice. And I have seem him vividly in my dreams...visions, I am not sure what they were. He looks different; he is no man, but his voice is unmistakable. And the Mothers...what else could they have been trying to tell me? And I know Pallas killed the bandits, he would never lie to me, lest of all about something so serious. And I have their bloody masks as proof. But a part of me wonders if she is right about that, too? But isn’t that is what she wants me to think? It doesn't feel like she is helping me, only confusing me worse. No, no. I love Pallas, I know him, I trust in him with all my heart.

I am struggling with all of this; struggling to remember some things. Silly things. I would like to think it is all from being so overly tired, but I'm not so sure. I remember training and then exiting the volcano and running through the maze. I remember falling asleep and waking. To me that was the order of things. It was not until speaking with Pallas I realized that I had spent over a turn in the tombs, some of that with him, after he tracked me down there. It was then I learned he later did carry me away from there, to the comfort and safety of our home. So why did I have no recollection? It angers and puzzles me and my moods swifter to change then ever. They seem to flow with the constant twists and turns of my mind. I keep pacing. Back and forth…back and forth…back and forth. She makes me feel like pulling out my hair, like running and escaping. But to where? Pallas doesn’t agree and I do not want to fight with him. He should walk away and leave me alone and isolated as others have done, before he gets himself hurt. But he wont, he is too determined or too stubborn and he loves me too deeply. And I love him. He tells me I am not cracking, that so many things trouble me. Terrible things that would have long destroyed others, but I am strong, so strong. That I need to ignore the other voice that fills me mind with untruths. He just holds me tight and comforts me, telling me that it isn’t my fault that he will do anything he can, that everything will be alright. But will it? How can he be so sure? This darkness is unlike anything we can ever understand and whatever is behind it will make Balthazar look like a puppy dog. Anything could be in the nothing that is this vile darkness. Anything. And how strong can one person really be before shattering like glass?

Right. But I am strong, so strong. I'm not strange at all. (and speaking of strange, I must find out what is going on with Loki) Perhaps my air supply was lost for too long when the darkness choked me to death, before breaking my neck and consuming me. I need sleep, I'm told. Just some rest and sleep, that is all. Then everything will be just fine. As if. I find lots of wine helps. But I must keep all of this to myself the best I can. Pallas is the only one who knows just how troubled I am with all of this. I wish he would believe me about Father.

Gods, as I have said before, again and again....I am still here and still fighting, even if it's against myself. And if I am yours remember me now. Guide and strengthen me once more.

Something troubling is going on. It's like I'm not in full control of my own thoughts and perhaps some small actions. Nothing major that I can tell but it's still bothersome and causes me frustration. I tell myself one thing and something insidious inside says differently. Or I go to do one thing and end up doing something else. Minor things not worth detailing. The headaches I've gotten at times in life (which may or may not include nosebleeds) perhaps play a role in this, pain, the restlessness of insomnia and an overactive mind that refuses to rest meaning I don't often rest long. Not restorative rest. That alone would break down anyone over time. How much time no one can know. Everyone is different. But It's as if me -- the inner spirt me -- and my mind are separating.

I'm trying to stop it. Working on stuff; things. Remedies, tonics, teas. My ointments and herbal teas have become better over time with much experimenting and note taking. Tonics are stronger, less stable - I think it's to do with the herb extractions and strength; the perfect dilution to be effective, yet not dangerous or rendered ineffective. It's a fine line and alot touchier then drying and crushing herbs and minerals for teas or balms. Herbs can cause many adverse effects and some are highly toxic but I'm still alive so I must be doing something right. But for now most of this information is knowledge only this book and myself will hold. Unless of course the part of me that's is trying to escape has ideas of their own. For now I'll do my best to just follow my instincts.

Instinct. Is there even such a thing, Is the instinctual reaction we have to things, situations...people...real or something less? Weather we like to be around them, trust in them. Or the opposite; we stay away from people because we know they're bad news and not to be trusted. Is instinct real or is it just something we continually fall back on after the fact?

I think instincts are real. Or rather my instincts says instinct is real. Some people are just more atune to it then others, perhaps. I know following them has proven to be the right thing over ignoring them, more often then not. But not always. Sometimes they have failed me completely. Or did they betray me? Or did I ignore them and was just tricking myself into thinking they failed? It's hard now to say.

I said I trusted him And I truly do. I have always trusted Him and my instincts with him. I love him, no doubt. He understands me. And the way he looks at me makes me feel better in this world. If anyone tried to say otherwise, I wouldn't listen or let anyone else tell me those instincts are wrong. He is good and true. He never makes excuses. Doesn't feel sorry for himself, And his own instincts he doesn't question. These things I've always admired. Sometimes I wonder did he know himself of what he was truly capable? Does he really understand what he did to those men and why he did it, and how absolutely they deserved it? I'm eternally grateful and in debt, but will there be a time he may come to regret?

I grow more certain that something is not right with me, luring me deeper into the dark and like anytime that's the case he wants me to believe in myself and stay strong, so I try. But do I trust myself enough anymore to really trust in anyone else, as much as I say and believe I do? I can't mention any of this lest I hurt him or he thinks I dont trust him, or figures Ive finally lost my mind. But since the bandits I have started to feel like something inside me has split. I don't know how else to explain it. Perhaps of all the time I spent in the dark after he killed Mother, locked away from the light, from nature, from Tam, from living. And in so much pain -- dazed, scared and alone after the violent attacks from father and Myoakka, time and time again has done more damage to my head then we will ever know. There has to be a breaking point, and I must have long since passed what mine should be. Maybe I do have more fire and steel inside then I can see. Pallas certainly believes I do.

AnD I'm still here, still fighting. Even if it's against myself. Gods, if I am yours, please remember me now. Guide and strengthen me once more.

This headache is getting worse. Keeping me inside and away from things I want or need to be doing. Keeping me from thinking clearly, though my numerous overwhelming thoughts often do that all on their own most days. Though I did manage a marc with Loki. He gave me something I had been seeking, something that will be special for myself and Pallas one day. I am so glad to call Loki my friend.

Now I'm surrounded with my herbs and things. Mixing and experimenting, which I really enjoy doing, but it seems nothing I have concocted works as well on these types of headaches as that erratic tea. Regardless, I'm fond of it and somewhat defensive of it and will keep tying to get it just perfect. It's been a good while since I've resorted to it and last time resulted in a row. But I have no choice but to use those strong herbs for that special tea to help these particular headaches, nothing else comes close. One day Ill get it just right. Its a very touchy remedy.

Lofty keeps sticking his whiskers in things and knocking over vials. Thankfully he has no interest in the actual mixtures themselves. Must not like the scent. Silly, adorable little thing.

Ni is frostbitten. I saw it happen, even had a feeling it would when those snow elementals couldn't be cleared quickly enough. I tried to shoo them away but to no avail. Finally Atkin took them out, but it was too late. I was so upset at first, I was just about to start crying when a calming feeling over came me. And as I was looking Ni over, I just new she was okay under those frozen leaves. When they catch the light just right, she twinkles and glimmers in the most beautiful way. It reminds me of far away starlight. So many memories came to me in that time I spent sitting in the snow with her. Some of them were still painful, however they were not bad memories. Dear Loki, my green buddy, sat with me, determined not to leave me out in the cold alone, despite my insistence that I was fine. he brought hot chocolate and kept me entertained. Dimitri, too, and it was nice. I gave them gifts for their kindness. But Dimitri didn't care for his blue socks and they ended up on my head. Ah well. I stayed for many marcs and now it seems I do have a slight case of the sniffles. But the snow has seemed to calm down so that is a good thing.

Lowie gave me a Frost Fall gift. I opened it and nearly fainted. It was an amulet of Fate, something I had desired since I first laid my eyes on one. Not only for the fact that you can tinker with it and maybe end up with something interesting, but the fate itself. It seems to be quite fickle on the amulet, I must admit. I am tempted to throw the thing in the river, its frustrating to no end, but also just as fun. Some say that Fate it is a cruel mistress and I believe that is sometimes true. But not always.

Now for something the Dearest of rogues called 'very special', that an amazing woman I met along some of my travels painted for me. It sure does my Cloak of Thorns far more justice then anything I could have tried to paint myself. I showed to some people and they all really seemed to like it. I wish I had these kind of painting skills. I admit it has lifted my spirits - and seeing the strength and determination she has seen in my eyes herself, and has reflected in her work, only makes me more determined in everything I do.


[URL=http://www.dgplayers.co.uk/mkportal/blog/images/290Ellyana_web.jpg](¯`•._.•Sylvan--Cloak of Thorns Painting•._.•´¯)[/URL]

This first frost fall has been so much fun. Lots of fun events and gift giving, not to mention green socks. Yes, I have my very own pair of green socks thanks to a gift from Bebhinn. Was the first green ones we had seen, and I almost fainted when I saw them, I was so thrilled. We both were, exhausted as we were from the riddle hunt we had been at for marcs on end, we still had time for a moment of joy. We're only here briefly, and while we are, we all should allow ourselves those silly moments of joy. Though my green socks are not the only green pair anymore. Loki, Skye and a few other now have green socks. I actually tripped down the lair steps in my excitement slipping Skye a pair. And I was happy for Loki, I know how much he loves green. We are green buddies and my next green pair would have gone to him had he still not found any. But, yeah, socks. There are soooo many socks everywhere, someone had been quite busy making them. In fact, I have seen so many variously colored socks that I think we could all very well open our own sock stalls. Pallas even came up with a silly name for our sock stand. But like shoes, can one really have too many socks? Possibly. Even Miranda has a pair, and shockingly they are not red.

Along with socks I have seen warm foodstuffs, minty candies, coins that are much fun to flip about in the air, some dice that stubbornly will not roll, but I am sure they will once again in time. I hope so anyways, how else will we gamble at the mid winters gambling event? I have also seen a few amulets of fate; maybe five of them now exist. They look like they would be fun to play with and could be quite useful should they work to your advantage. I had hoped to find one myself, for the pure joy of tinkering with something new, but mostly for the sake of the bitter sweetness of fate itself.

The cats seem happy and content hanging around in the Mooon during this bitter cold. I have a feeling our dear one eyed, three legged Mr. Meowgi will stick around longer, if not indefinitely. He really enjoys a warm lap and petting and the family really seem to adore him just as much as I do. So aside from the wonderful gift giving, the freezing cold, frostbite, blizzards, avalanches, killer snowman and even a pair of attack socks its been a very nice frost fall so far. Some of us even had the chance to make our own soup. Mine is mostly green, Its a creamy peas and carrot soup, with extra peas and some other bits, and its a little lumpy and burnt -- but it is delicious! I'm no a cook, and I was quite impressed I managed not to burn down the world builders lawn that turn. Pallas made some soup, too, and gave it a very pretty name if I do say so myself. All kidding aside, I was quite touched. Oooo, and I also had a chance to sculpt a kitteh out of ice. I think it looks okay. My hands were numb for two turns after that, though it was fun and I always enjoy anything artistic like. I only have a few nicks on my fingers, too. And the best part is I have got to spend a good deal of the frost fall with Pallas, which has been good fun, and has truly lifted my spirits. he is my dearest friend. How lucky am I that I stopped to speak to him under that tree all those long years ago. How lucky are we, for all the possibilities.Though if he gives me one more pair of socks he may well end up wearing them over his head.

We have some new family members, and they are all very good people in their own ways. And I have sponsored again. Rare as it is for me to do anymore, I think -- I hope -- I did okay. I was nervous, but I think I hid that fact fairly well. And I just know in my heart that Ram will make a great cleric, just as he is a great friend and kin to Twilight Serenity. So I could not -- would not say no. Now his hunt for the knowledge of the spells begins. it is long and requires much patience but it is so rewarding and worth every marc spent searching and fighting and learning.

I normally do not do well in such cold and this bitter cold has turned my fingertip, lips and toes blue and numb on a few occasions over the festivities, but in truth, I really don't care. Its uncomfortable for a while perhaps, but I feel very much alive -- and others have complimented that I look alive, which makes me feel less self conscious then I previously had been feeling. Bibi even gave me a pretty crimson flower. She insists ochre washes me out a bit, and the crimson looks prettier with my skin. I love both my blossoms, however, and will just have to alternate as I see fit. I know I am still underweight and pastier looking then my normal fairness, but my strength returns each turn, physically and emotionally. I have been meditating again, so that helps the spiritual and emotional pain. The fire and steel burns inside me, and when the festival ends I will again resume exercising and retraining my strength and stamina. Maybe this time without over tiring myself, pulling muscles and getting stupid cramps. It is quite frustrating, rebuilding my body back to what it once was when it keeps fighting against me. I mean, who's side is it on, anyway?

I dare say in time, I may even do some actual training. Who knows.